Embrocations... aka The Hot Cream

Howdy bike riders...

As promised, Curly is offering his wisdom this morning on a thing called "embrocations"... which is just fancy talk for leg cream that gets hot on your skin to keep you warm when it's cold.

Now, Ol' Curly has always been a fan of The Greyhound Juice for his skin scorching needs, but since they have retired and the last remaining jars of it will be running out soon, I decided to source something else for the upcoming trip to cycling's cobbled mecca. Yes, by the looks of the weather patterns of late, Roubaix should be cold and wet... only by the grace of the good lord, will it be dry.

Now, some of you might be sayin'... "but Curly... you should just wear leg warmers or tights"... to which I say... Bullshit! You don't do a ride like this without doing some intentional harm to yourself like wimping out and wearing warm clothes... Besides, with all of that vibration, they'll most likely ride down and piss me off 400m into the ride... sorry "race".

So, what's the verdict on this Mad Alchemy? I've done a couple of rides with it and I must say that like a lot of embrocations, it has just the right sting to it. Enough chili powder to cause a rash and keep you warm.

So, let's cover some of the DOs and DON'Ts of wearing embrocations on yer rides...

DO:

• Wash yer hands after applying it liberally to your legs
• Not touch your eyes or membranes with this stuff
• Not touch your balls or genitalia with this stuff**
• Wash it off post ride with soap and very lukewarm water

DON'T

• Touch your eyes or membranes with this stuff
• Touch your balls or genitalia with this stuff
• Wash it off with warm water
• Hop into the hot shower thinking that's a good way to wash it off
• Rub it into your manly chest thinking it'll feel good

**You may touch the balls and genitalia of your riding buddies at your own risk and leisure

Now, some of the previous lessons Curly has learned the hard way. Like the HOT shower wash off method. Just when the embrocation gives you the "all's clear" sign to wash it off, is a bad time to do so... It's a trick... Don't do it.

So, in summary... Mad Alchemy is a fine product... easy to goop on your fingers and rub into your uncovered legs. The color gives a pseudo-tan to the pasty-white legs of the terminally trainer bound. Ol' Curly gives this brand a thumbs up... and will be using it for the Cobbled Classic.

Kicks Addendum:

It seems that Curly's last post prompted someone to question Curly's actual ownership of The Northwave Tom Boonen Editions... This was due to the use of the stock photo. So here you go varmint... A fine artistic photo of Curly's well-worn shoes...

Cobbled Kicks

How Bike Riders...

83 days until Paris Roubaix week, and now is as good a time as any for Ol' Curly to talk about the kind of shoes you need to ride Paris Roubaix. Now a lot of folks will tell you that it don't matter what kicks you use to ride such a race, but I think they're wrong.

It takes a special shoe to help you get through the cobbles. I know half of you are now out on the interwebz... Googling up photos of the last few Paris Roubaix winners to see what shoes they're wearing and you're wasting your time. You're only going to find cleverly doctored images of Sidis. I'm talking about a real shoe for us fellas who feet shaped like clubbed feet. The kind of shoes worthy to never be covered by a sissy winter shoe cover... which don't really work anyway.

I'm talking about the Northwave Aerator 3V (V for velcro only)... Why this fine shoe is used by none other than Tornado Tom Boonen. I know it was used by him too, cuz they have his signature on the top strap. Talk about a carbon sole stiff enough to put your foot to sleep in just a few pedal strokes. These shoes are so tough, they come with a manly yellow paper-thin footbed and a cork footbed option.

Of course, I own a pair. Anything good enough for Tom is good enough for Ol' Curly. Why I'm no Podiatrist, but I'm 110% sure that these shoes have magic powers. I remember quite well, my very first ride with these fine shoes. It was the STP. My glistening white with blue accents cycling shoes were the buzz of the other riders for sure... I also remember jacking up the carbon soles quite well trying to get an onion burger at the Winlock burger stand... but that story is for another day.

Now, I didn't make it to Portland that year... but I attribute my retirement in shame to my lack of doing any rides over 50 miles that year than I do to the shoes.

So there you have it... a Curly endorsement for the Northwave Aerator 3V Tom Boonen Edition shoe... I'd tell you to go out and buy some but all of 2007's stock was snatched up from Chainlove.com when they were blowing them out at $50 a pair...

Ol' Curly will keep feeding you a nugget or two for the next 80+ days... Next stop... Embrocations.

Keep yer shirt on.

Curly

Paris Roubaix Research

Howdy Red Riders...

Ol' Curly has been doing some research for this big bike race called "Paris-Roubaix"... ever heard of it? Seems that the little ol' tour that curly signed up for prior to the PRO race is going to be something of a race... and sponsored by the ASO-holes... OK, so maybe a cyclotour isn't really a big race like say Pacific Raceways or Chilly Hilly... but I guess people go fast and try to get a good time. Perhaps Ol' Curly should think about getting a TT bike for it and a set of them fancy disc wheels.

Regardless, Curly will be rolling a 62 up front to help ease the taint pounding good time that will occur.

By I digress... Ol' Curly has been doing some research on Paris-Roubaix and it seems that the roads aren't really all that great. People get hurt and stuff and ifn' it rains, those cobbles can be slick. There's an entire book out (see picture above) on how painful and dangerous this cyclotour can be... I found it interesting that there's never been a "women's" race... Now the old Curly might have offended some in the past around this subject, but I'd like to think that the reason that the lady-folk don't try to pound themselves into a pulp to try and win a trip around a velodrome and a fancy cobbled trophy is that maybe they're just a lot smarter than the men-folk sometimes...

So, back to the book... it's a good read... packed full of pretty pictures for those that don't read so good as well as some tidbits about Curly's old friend "The Cannibal" and some other fellas that didn't die doing the race... It gets a two thumbs up from Ol' Curly.... even if all you want to do is look at the pretty pictures.

Stay tuned... Ol' Curly has a few posts coming soon about the type of equipment he'll need to ride the cyclotour... and I don't mean Chimay glasses and brown paper to wrap the frites in...

Peace...