Embrocations... aka The Hot Cream

Howdy bike riders...

As promised, Curly is offering his wisdom this morning on a thing called "embrocations"... which is just fancy talk for leg cream that gets hot on your skin to keep you warm when it's cold.

Now, Ol' Curly has always been a fan of The Greyhound Juice for his skin scorching needs, but since they have retired and the last remaining jars of it will be running out soon, I decided to source something else for the upcoming trip to cycling's cobbled mecca. Yes, by the looks of the weather patterns of late, Roubaix should be cold and wet... only by the grace of the good lord, will it be dry.

Now, some of you might be sayin'... "but Curly... you should just wear leg warmers or tights"... to which I say... Bullshit! You don't do a ride like this without doing some intentional harm to yourself like wimping out and wearing warm clothes... Besides, with all of that vibration, they'll most likely ride down and piss me off 400m into the ride... sorry "race".

So, what's the verdict on this Mad Alchemy? I've done a couple of rides with it and I must say that like a lot of embrocations, it has just the right sting to it. Enough chili powder to cause a rash and keep you warm.

So, let's cover some of the DOs and DON'Ts of wearing embrocations on yer rides...

DO:

• Wash yer hands after applying it liberally to your legs
• Not touch your eyes or membranes with this stuff
• Not touch your balls or genitalia with this stuff**
• Wash it off post ride with soap and very lukewarm water

DON'T

• Touch your eyes or membranes with this stuff
• Touch your balls or genitalia with this stuff
• Wash it off with warm water
• Hop into the hot shower thinking that's a good way to wash it off
• Rub it into your manly chest thinking it'll feel good

**You may touch the balls and genitalia of your riding buddies at your own risk and leisure

Now, some of the previous lessons Curly has learned the hard way. Like the HOT shower wash off method. Just when the embrocation gives you the "all's clear" sign to wash it off, is a bad time to do so... It's a trick... Don't do it.

So, in summary... Mad Alchemy is a fine product... easy to goop on your fingers and rub into your uncovered legs. The color gives a pseudo-tan to the pasty-white legs of the terminally trainer bound. Ol' Curly gives this brand a thumbs up... and will be using it for the Cobbled Classic.

Kicks Addendum:

It seems that Curly's last post prompted someone to question Curly's actual ownership of The Northwave Tom Boonen Editions... This was due to the use of the stock photo. So here you go varmint... A fine artistic photo of Curly's well-worn shoes...